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Hello. I don't even know how to tell everything or where to start... maybe I want to find support or something else... because nothing helps me anymore.😔 I beg emotionally vulnerable moms not to read this and just take care of yourselves and your little ones. If you ever hear doubt in a doctor's voice, go and get an ultrasound yourself right away, even if the doctor said everything is fine. An ultrasound won't harm the baby, and you'll be reassured that your little one is okay. This was my first pregnancy and the saddest experience of my life... Everything was fine. I always came to appointments on time, did all the tests, did everything so my baby would be okay. I now remember the last appointment like a movie I've watched many times... On August 7th I went into labor at 40 weeks and 1 day. When I started feeling pain, my husband and I went to the maternity hospital happy and had no idea what awaited us... I still remember our joyful voices saying the baby chose such a beautiful date to be born: 08.08.2020. But everything turned upside down in the hospital: the on-duty midwife couldn't hear a heartbeat. Then they brought the CTG machine—nothing. They urgently called the ultrasound doctor, and there they told me that my baby was gone. They quickly decided I needed to be transferred to the regional hospital; our doctors were afraid to take the case, and the regional doctors were afraid something might happen to me on the way. In the end we went. Three hours in labor, and by the time we arrived I was already pushing. I gave birth quickly. A girl, 2820 grams and 52 centimeters. I begged God that it wasn't true, but as soon as I arrived I heard the terrible words: "Yes, there is no heartbeat." After I stayed in the hospital, on the 10th an autopsy was done, where they said the baby had died about five to seven days before the birth... But on the 4th I had been at an appointment where they told me everything was fine. Only one thing: when the doctor listened for the heartbeat he hesitated and asked if she was moving normally. I answered honestly that her movements had quieted, I could feel a bulge, but apparently she didn't want to take that into account. At first I started to panic, but when I asked if everything was okay she said yes. By that time she was already gone... as far as I know it's all like that. We're still waiting for the morgue's conclusions. I don't know how I could not feel all of this, I had a premonition that I needed to give birth sooner, that I needed to go for an ultrasound, but I didn't... I blame myself so much. We went through such a long journey and didn't finish it. The hardest part is the funeral... but even harder is living without my little girl. The doctors all say the same thing: "You're only 19, you'll have more children. In half a year you'll be pregnant again." But who will bring my princess back to me? She is still in front of my eyes in that beautiful pink outfit. I don't know how to distract myself or where to put myself. My support is my husband, but I understand it's hard for him too. I don't want him to see me crying every day. And I'm so ashamed in front of my husband that I didn't protect our daughter, but most ashamed in front of my little one. I don't know what to do. Maybe someone had a similar situation? Tell me how to get through this so I can at least keep living. I don't even know how I'll dare to have a second child, even in two years...
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