I'm some kind of kamikaze ? Catching myself on. I think about the ques…

I'm some kind of kamikaze ? Catching myself on. I think about the question of a third child being completely closed for me, even though doctors said that more is not needed, and I can't do anything, I understand that it's probably suicide, but thoughts keep coming in, I can't get over the fact that there will be so many such lumps with me ? while I throw this off as hormonal fluctuations, we'll see later. After all, before childbirth we decided that this is the last child, 2 will be enough, but after the doctor's ban it became so sad, I still feel better when you have a choice, and not when it's like that, well what